a collection of daily cries for help from one deeply disturbed sinner to his desperately believed-in creator. sometimes heartwarming, typically sad and disturbing, "are you there, god?" acts as a shining example of exactly what is most wrong with the world today.
Friday, June 06, 2003
are You there, God?
how's everything going today? i'm doing pretty well, although i suppose You already know that. Charlie leaves town for a long weekend tomorrow, so i guess i get a couple of days' reprieve. i know she's a good person at heart, Lord, i just don't understand why you sent her into my life. i guess Your plan is not for me to know, and that's OK. i just sometimes wish that fateful day i hadn't gone for a burrito and ended up with a permanent houseguest. but i know that You love her and i should try to, too. You don't make no junk, right? hee-hee-hee-ho. i do wish, God, that you would make her stop repainting the spare bedroom to match the current "Terror Alert" level. paint's kind of expensive, and they screwed up my paycheck last week, so i don't have that kind of money right now. my co-worker Burmice said i should change the locks while Charlie's out of town but i don't think i should do that. i tried that about a month ago, and she stood outside my window at 2AM shouting horrible things about me starting up a methlab in the apartment. i don't even know what that is, but the way the neighbors looked at me took suspicious sniffs near my door the whole next week makes me think that it can't be good.
anyway, God, thank you for listening like You always do. i hope one day to be able to return the favor.
Amen.
how's everything going today? i'm doing pretty well, although i suppose You already know that. Charlie leaves town for a long weekend tomorrow, so i guess i get a couple of days' reprieve. i know she's a good person at heart, Lord, i just don't understand why you sent her into my life. i guess Your plan is not for me to know, and that's OK. i just sometimes wish that fateful day i hadn't gone for a burrito and ended up with a permanent houseguest. but i know that You love her and i should try to, too. You don't make no junk, right? hee-hee-hee-ho. i do wish, God, that you would make her stop repainting the spare bedroom to match the current "Terror Alert" level. paint's kind of expensive, and they screwed up my paycheck last week, so i don't have that kind of money right now. my co-worker Burmice said i should change the locks while Charlie's out of town but i don't think i should do that. i tried that about a month ago, and she stood outside my window at 2AM shouting horrible things about me starting up a methlab in the apartment. i don't even know what that is, but the way the neighbors looked at me took suspicious sniffs near my door the whole next week makes me think that it can't be good.
anyway, God, thank you for listening like You always do. i hope one day to be able to return the favor.
Amen.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
are You there, God?
hi. it's me again. so far so good, i'm still not dead. Charlie says that could be because You haven't yet figured out what to do with me when i die. she says that You don't really want me boring everyone in heaven, but You wouldn't feel right about sending me to hell because i've never done anything bad enough yet to warrant that kind of treatment. she's says You must be waiting around for me to slip up and then "Blammo". i guess she's not aware of the "vacuum cleaner incident" - but i asked You for forgiveness for that a long time ago, and i bought mom a new vacuum as soon as i saved up enough money. is it true that You forgive and forget?
i guess i was sleepwalking again last night, because i woke up in the middle of the night - about 3AM - to discover that my alarm had been turned off again. i'm just glad that i'm sort of a light sleeper and woke up when i thought i heard my bedroom door shut. i guess i was dreaming that, though, but i was able to reset my alarm and get up on time for work. last week the manager told that if i'm late one more time i won't be considered for shift supervisor at the end of my review period. thank You for not letting me be late today. a man came in today who looked a lot like Joey from Friends, one of my coworkers asked me why i was staring at him. please help me stop thinking about Joey and lusting after those who remind me of Him.
mom called today, she wouldn't stop coughing, and i think her voice has gotten even raspier. please God, don't give her cancer. i told her she shouldn't smoke and she called me a "know-it-all" cuss word. i know she loves You and doesn't mean to use Thy name in vain. please help her to live better and not have cancer.
Amen.
hi. it's me again. so far so good, i'm still not dead. Charlie says that could be because You haven't yet figured out what to do with me when i die. she says that You don't really want me boring everyone in heaven, but You wouldn't feel right about sending me to hell because i've never done anything bad enough yet to warrant that kind of treatment. she's says You must be waiting around for me to slip up and then "Blammo". i guess she's not aware of the "vacuum cleaner incident" - but i asked You for forgiveness for that a long time ago, and i bought mom a new vacuum as soon as i saved up enough money. is it true that You forgive and forget?
i guess i was sleepwalking again last night, because i woke up in the middle of the night - about 3AM - to discover that my alarm had been turned off again. i'm just glad that i'm sort of a light sleeper and woke up when i thought i heard my bedroom door shut. i guess i was dreaming that, though, but i was able to reset my alarm and get up on time for work. last week the manager told that if i'm late one more time i won't be considered for shift supervisor at the end of my review period. thank You for not letting me be late today. a man came in today who looked a lot like Joey from Friends, one of my coworkers asked me why i was staring at him. please help me stop thinking about Joey and lusting after those who remind me of Him.
mom called today, she wouldn't stop coughing, and i think her voice has gotten even raspier. please God, don't give her cancer. i told her she shouldn't smoke and she called me a "know-it-all" cuss word. i know she loves You and doesn't mean to use Thy name in vain. please help her to live better and not have cancer.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
are You there, God?
i have some news. i suppose You already know it, since You're omniscient, but in case it got by You: i didn't die today. i know, i was a little bit surprised, too. but here it is, time for our daily chat and i'm still "of this earth." i suppose this means that my dream last night did NOT forecast an early demise, like Charlie said. and instead proves You have greater plans for my future. unless You just got busy today and had to put my death off until tomorrow. i guess we'll see.
i was watching Friends today - it's in syndication now, FYI - and i had impure thoughts about Joey again. please help purge these thoughts from my mind, as i know they will make You love me all the less. there was this scene where he was sorta naked, and i was wearing those sweat pants again, and when she saw them "tentpole" (i swear i didn't mean for it to happen!) Charlie started laughing at me. "you love Joey" she sing-mocked and i turned red from embarrassment. please, God, make Charlie nicer to me so i don't have to kill her.
in Thy name,
Amen.
PS please don't let me sleepwalk tonight and accidentally turn off my alarm like last time. i'm opening the store tomorrow and need to be there by 5:30.
PPS please PLEASE help me to not touch myself tonight and DEFINITELY help me not think about Joey from Friends when i do.
i have some news. i suppose You already know it, since You're omniscient, but in case it got by You: i didn't die today. i know, i was a little bit surprised, too. but here it is, time for our daily chat and i'm still "of this earth." i suppose this means that my dream last night did NOT forecast an early demise, like Charlie said. and instead proves You have greater plans for my future. unless You just got busy today and had to put my death off until tomorrow. i guess we'll see.
i was watching Friends today - it's in syndication now, FYI - and i had impure thoughts about Joey again. please help purge these thoughts from my mind, as i know they will make You love me all the less. there was this scene where he was sorta naked, and i was wearing those sweat pants again, and when she saw them "tentpole" (i swear i didn't mean for it to happen!) Charlie started laughing at me. "you love Joey" she sing-mocked and i turned red from embarrassment. please, God, make Charlie nicer to me so i don't have to kill her.
in Thy name,
Amen.
PS please don't let me sleepwalk tonight and accidentally turn off my alarm like last time. i'm opening the store tomorrow and need to be there by 5:30.
PPS please PLEASE help me to not touch myself tonight and DEFINITELY help me not think about Joey from Friends when i do.
